Yes, Quints, Darn It!

Walt Disney Pictures has announced the revival of one of its most revered and historic film franchises, “That Darn Cat,” but with a new twist on the 1965 original and 1997 remake. Coming, Christmas 2011: regional variations, released under individual titles. Each version will be a musical, incorporating unique plot elements.  


“Goddamn That Cat”

(New York, Eastern Seaboard)

Faded sex symbol, chanteuse, and one-time Factory habitué Michelle von Vuestra adopts Hank, a Manx, who strays from Downtown to the Upper East Side in hopes of finding a sponsor for hair implants. Hank secures Michelle’s affections after his bewigged sidekick’s antics in a music video bring her new acclaim through YouTube’s gay viewers and fans of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Score by Richard O’Brien.

“That Dadgum Kitty”

(Nashville, Sunbelt)

Three sons of an itinerant preacher take up guitar, bass, and drums and start listening to the Stones. Infuriated, the Rev directs his wrath at Rehab Tabby, the band’s eponymous mascot, until the boys, a late signing for the Bonaroo Festival, sell unprecedented numbers of Tabby T-shirts and Pop ends up driving a new van to his revivals. Score by Kings of Leon.


“Dawg! That Cat!”

(South Central, cities everywhere)

Yow-La, a drive-by tom caught up in the gang scene, demonstrates his latent vocal ability late one night when Lotta Change revisits the ‘hood. Finding himself nearly outdone in recitativo, Lotta invites Yow-La to join the stage show; ultimately, they cut a platinum disk of duets. Score by Ghostface Killah.


“Dude! Your Cat!”

(Orange Country, suburbs everywhere)

Thak, an aimless yet ambitious surf Siamese, starts hanging at L.A. clubs and soon signs to manage singer-guitarist Maliboo Rooge, who is remarkable for his laid-back gnarliness. Thak dons gold chains and begins to be feared by label people and booking agents alike as Maliboo soars to the top. Score by Beck.


“The Hallelujah Cat”

(Bible Belt, Utah)

Krystal, a wholesome white Angora, runs from an abusive home and finds her way to the loving family of the education director at Windowpane Cathedral. Overheard singing hymns to herself, Krystal is beckoned to join the Cathedral choir for its weekly TV hour and next international tour, and she emerges as the prized soloist. Score by Debby Boone.

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