Quiddities of Naughty Pine

Naughty pine veneer is applied to wall paneling made of compressed wood particles. This paneling is commonly found in basement rumpus rooms, trailers, shotgun shacks, and the offices of private eyes.

It is available from Internet purveyors of adult home-improvement products such as the ready-to-use concrete mix Quikrete—”Now with Viagra for Extra-Fast Setup.”

The original source of Naughty pine is Naughtingham Forest. Today, it is widely distributed throughout Europe and North America and, within this range, has surreptitiously hybridized with other pines.

The mature Naughty pine differs from other typical varieties in that, while being five-needled, the middle one extends impudently. Spreading, horizontal limbs of Rubenesque thickness also distinguish the Naughty pine. Cones seem to delight in dangling upside down; to preserve anonymity, some wear black tape over their scales. The trunk’s heartwood is, of course, rotten. The sapwood usually fails field sobriety tests. The pitch that issues from lacerated Naughty pine tissue consists mainly of a hydrocarbon, heptane, and its distillation will cause an explosion. The deep taproot allows the Naughty pine to outdrink the Scotch pine.

Mutually Detrimental Relationships

Seeds of the Naughty pine have an obscenely high fat content and are thought to have contributed to the epidemic of obesity in the Clark’s Nutcracker, which in some places has become too heavy for much flying and has simply taken to raiding the middens of hapless red squirrels, where large quantities of the seed-laden cones are stored.

Blights and Rusts

Elytroderma needle disease results where Naughty pines stand in close contact and winds cause a slow dancing of the branches without a forester’s supervision. First symptoms include the formation of fungal fruiting bodies on needles; ultimately, if this blight is left untreated, stems and branches will develop brown, necrotic lesions.

Infection with Armillaria root rot causes wood to reach a state of advanced decay, in which case the invading fungi’s mycelium luminesces on dark nights. An excessive flow of resin may also be observed.

Social and Cultural Implications

While Naughty pines have their proponents, many dreadnaughts exist, especially in the Bible belt.

The pine is a boon to operators of Christmas tree lots, where inventory is divided between Naughty and Nice.

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