Christmas Presents to Return

Tae Kwon Do bread knives. “For the individual who’s a personal bodyguard and baker.” Not my profile, exactly. These go back to KitchenSport. Exchange for Mixed Martial Arts coffeemaker, if in stock.

Gardener’s underwear. Made from one-hundred-percent recycled magic carpet fibers, ideal for that special touch in getting seeds to germinate. One size fits all but doesn’t suit me. Return to men’s department, Smith & Hawken.

Silk tie/police radio combo unit. I would have preferred the premium model—surely no longer in stock after the big holiday run—that causes the tie to change colors to indicate whether the call is police, fire, or EMS. Exchange at Radio Shack for LED nightlight/Canada goose call.

Battery-powered ear-hair trimmer and soap dispenser. Anyone buying me a gift should know I always go for the solar-powered example of the item. Back to Sharper Image with it before they declare bankruptcy and close their doors.

Pitberry® Personal Digital Absorbent. Multiple electronically programmable settings for these variable-take-up underarm pads allow perspiration to be gently wicked away from the pits or sucked up like the outgoing Bay of Fundy tide. However, during test use, one pad fell into the toilet, causing the other to transmit a painful electric shock. The mobile phone store has to accept this damaged product as a return item, refund in full, and concentrate once again on their core competencies.

Bagpipes alarm clock, by Chanter & SkirlingBagpipes alarm clock, by Chanter & Skirling, “Putting the alarm in alarm clocks since before you were a wee laddie or lassie.” Hey, waking three straight mornings to “Danny Boy” was enough. Back to the Infinite Timeworks boutique. If Timewarp digital cuckoo clock is available, make exchange.

Cell phone with flip-up chainsaw attachment.  The Verizon merger with Black & Decker just isn’t working for me. If the retail location won’t allow one-for-one swap for a barbecue phone like the Weber Motorola Kettle Kaller, start this sucker up and aim it at the clerk.

Vin Diesel signature-edition grapefruit spoon. Yes, it’s polished to a high sheen and is able to overtake and pass lesser citrus, but it clashes with our full set of Iggy Pop signature-edition grapefruit spoons. Return to Tower Records.

“The Runaway Leek” cookbook and “Fodor’s Iowa.” Back to Borders. Use credit for the hardcover edition of “Rosary Beads or Glockenspiel Bars? How I Hammered out My True Vocation.” This memoir is the story of Sister Fran Bertacini, OSM, who turned away from a promising career with a percussion ensemble and accepted a religious vocation.

“Pupa Scooper” lepidopterist’s collecting kit. My interest in the hobby has waned since I started poaching Siberian tigers using only a laser pointer and bungee cord. Let’s just re-gift this one for our dear nephew, Buddy Popinjay-Undercarriage, and include a note saying we thought it might be time he put down the Milky Ways for an hour of daily activity.

Beat the Wedgies-label carbon-fiber men’s briefs. A thousand thanks, but there’s no need here for underpants that have to be laundered at the high-pressure car wash. Not to mention how folding these drawers and putting them into a drawer is almost impossible. Ship back to the firefighters’ outfitting company.

Periodic Table board game, Quantumopoly: The Heavy Elements. And the guacamole slicer. And the dry-clean-only cashmere socks. All these go back! I’m using the cash proceeds for purchase of two mezzanine-level tickets to the 2009 Fiber Artists Guild Vetiver Bowl, in Pascagoula, Mississippi.

If any of your gifts appear on this list, please know I’m deeply grateful but more than a little finicky.

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