Washington, D.C. – The United States House of Representatives will suspend debate on the amended $827 billion economic stimulus bill that was expected to be returned to the lower chamber after Tuesday’s Senate vote, and it will instead take up new legislation being considered to address Jessica Simpson’s weight gain.
The House Committee on Homeland Security today approved the Troubled Rotund Asses Program (TRAP) in a vote that followed party lines with majority Democrats prevailing.
Committee Chairman Bennie G. Thompson, D-Miss., hailed the vote, saying, “It is obvious that a slimmer Jessica is vital for the security of our homeland. I am confident this bill will easily pass the full House, and indications from colleagues in the Senate suggest a great eagerness to take up the matter there.”
Republicans blasted the measure as being “superlatively porcine.” Rep. Peter T. King, R-N.Y., said, “This is exquisitely rarified pork. In fact, this is truffle hog legislation.”
President Barack Obama was quick to write an editorial in the New York Post supporting TRAP. “I promised to bring change to Washington, to govern smarter and use technology where we could, but if I have to look at one more picture of a hefty Jessica, I may reconsider closing Guantanamo and send her down there for a strict water diet and supervised exercise regimen.”
Miss Simpson could not be reached around for comment.
Lobbyists leech onto measure
Rep. Thompson promised to keep the bill free of earmarks, although lobbying groups are already seeking to attach provisions. One that has drawn early fire would distribute at government expense high-quality lingerie to every women who is issued a green card. Leon Soyeux, director of the American Undercladding Research Association (AURA) discounted the amount of progress that has been made thus far in that regard. “It would be premature to assert whether the bill has any elasticity whatsoever,” Soyeux said.
Leading diet experts and various fat celebrities were quick to blast the legislation. Dr. Arthur Agatston, author of “The South Beach Diet Supercharged,” challenged committee members, saying, “Sit down with me for a rich, satisfying, definitely chocolate, flourless dessert while leaving pounds behind and Jessica alone.”
The editor of Gourmet magazine said Simpson’s poundage “indicates a welcome shift to Continental sauces and pastries or an unwelcome diversion into burritos and guacamole, but in either case it’s better to gape at a fleshy Jessica than the stick figures we’re used to seeing out of Tinseltown.”
Television talk show host Oprah denounced the measure as “maximally intrusive” and said she would be unavailable to testify as she is bound for a tiny Alpine country to slim down. In compensation for the fuel that will be consumed by her heavily loaded personal jet, she has purchased Costa Rican carbon offsets, snapping up the entire Nicoya Peninsula in that country and driving real estate values so high that native people have had to move to shantytowns outside San Jose, the national capital.
Meanwhile, a Dallas Cowboys’ spokesman declined to say whether training table care packages were ever air-expressed to Simpson by quarterback Tony Romo.
Bailout extends to Marina del Rey
Congressional watchdogs question where government action will stop if the TRAP bill passes. “Wrinkles, facial hair, breast augmentation?” asked Gabby Niksur, director of the Congressional Resources Accountability Project (CRAP). “When did Beverly Hills and Malibu qualify for a bailout? Next thing those dandies will expect the American people to cover is routine maintenance on their yachts.”
Indeed, a source close to the Committee on Homeland Security confirms that the subcommittee on Border, Maritime, and Global Counterterrorism is entertaining proposals for hull repairs and diesel powerplant upgrades as vital security enhancements.