Carbon Copies

The dull finiteness that has governed household appliance design ever since the days of coal- and wood-burning stoves is now a thing of the past. The Magic Chef® Quasi-Force™ Self-Cleaning Ricoh High-Speed Color Oven/Copier not only advances the art of cookery but also introduces revolutionary new functions that even Leonardo couldn’t have dreamed up 500 years ago.

From its deeply recessed cooktop with an 18,000-BTU burner that serves double duty in toner cartridge recycling incineration, to its bottom storage drawer that also holds three sizes of copier paper, the Quasi-Force Oven/Copier is loaded with unprecedented features.

Just think how many times you have looked at a splendid Tarte Sablée au Chocolat in the pages of Bon Appétit—after you’ve been through their latest recipes for possum and coon—and said, “Lord Almighty, I’m sure a-wishin’ I could bake up one of these here pies.” Now you can! Merely tear out the picture, place it face-down on the oven-door-glass scanning bed, and select the “dessert” feature on the copier settings. After that, just enter the desired finish time.* All you have to do is load plenty of bitter chocolate and unsalted butter into the data ports to ensure a scrumptious treat for all your kin.

Another crossover feature that will prove useful, especially when young Chandler brings home the other two members of his ménage-a-trois from Haverford College, is the enlargement function that allows the upsizing of a pot roast on a moment’s notice. If both members of the ménage prove to be female, it’s highly likely that one or even both will greet you with a polite but definitive statement on the order of, “Hmmm. What’s that’ smell? I’m vegan.”  No need for churlishness or incivility on the part of the hostess. As long as the roast remains within a few minutes of finishing time, simply select “reduce” and downsize as deemed appropriate.**

The manufacturers could go on and on listing every marvel this new product is exclusively capable of performing, but for the moment there is only space to elaborate on the multiple copies mode that allows the user to insert one tuna-and-noodle casserole and select up to four copies. The invariable result is perfect, piping-hot color replicas that are up to 100-percent edible.

The Quasi Force Oven/Copier is available at home-improvement emporia and office-supply concerns nationwide. And it is being offered in a unique arrangement with Williams-Sonoma, which will also carry the hybrid KitchenAid 9-Speed Hand Mixer/Better Sex 16-Function Super Vibrator ($169.69)—coming (and coming) for Mother’s Day.

 

* Because of reasoning by the Oven/Copier unit’s artificial intelligence system, dessert does not apply if the “breakfast” feature is chosen for the item.

** Should Chandler bring home, say, a Kayla and a Tyson, consult page 34 of the operating manual: “Male Bisexuality on Campus and How You Can Hope It Stays There When He Goes off to His Investment Banking Job on Wall Street,” reprinted with joint permission of the Readers Digest and the Journal of Sex Research.

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