State Organs

UNL food scientist Vicki Schlegel, another member of the research team, put it this way: “You’re making agriculture a pharmacy, basically.”

Schlegel imagines a day when states might carve out niches for certain kinds of health-boosting crops.

“We might say, ‘In Nebraska we grow crops for heart health,'” she said. “Colorado might say, ‘We grow crops to fight diabetes.'”

Good NUz, a Nebraska Alumni Association publication

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Little Rhody naturally said, “We get the prostate health crop: zinc-replenishing pumpkin seeds.”

Louisiana decided to battle Texas for liver health. Texas thought the liver, the largest organ, should by rights be its own. But Louisiana wooed the nutrigenomics leaders with a banquet feast of calf’s liver and onions as only Madame Bégué herself could have prepared them in the French Quarter. After the repast, the Neville Brothers belted out Leadbelly’s “Green Corn.”

Kidney-shaped New Jersey, the Garden State, went for the kidney. Now to learn how to bog cranberries, renowned for restoring urological health. Extension agents will be loaned from Wisconsin and Massachusetts.

Like a tern in a pot of minnows, California, the home of Google, snapped up eye health. Carrots have been planted from Carpenteria to Arcata. An exception to this rigorous cultivation was made at Casa Conejo. Meanwhile, myopic intensity was devoted to the propagation of fields around Zanahoria Springs.

At first the Show Me State of Missouri obscured its ambition of seizing the female breast. With the Grand Tetons, Wyoming was thought to be too naturally well endowed. But a concerted push upward came from the Missouri Breastonomic Development Commission, in combination with the Missouri Porn Producers Coalition, headquarted in Blue Summit. (Their slogan: “The Other White Meat Lacks Succor.”) This lobbying group—funded by proceeds from an MPPC member’s recent Internet hardcore hit “Upping the Auntie”—augmented its negotiating position by promising to build a silicone factory on Kansas tableland, as well as adopting “Carry on My Wayward Son” as the campaign’s anthem, thereby winning many Sunflower State supporters. Breast health crops of vegetables of all colors will be emphasized in fields around the tiny town with the big message, Braggadocio, in the state’s bootheel region.

After winning Mensa’s endorsement, New York wrested the brain from a Boston-based effort. Omega-3 fatty acids, proven important to brain health, derive from the eating of salmon, so Governor Paterson has perversely decreed that salmon farms be established in Oyster Bay. “Agriculture, aquaculture, I can’t see the difference,” he said.

Virginia, long-known as being for lovers, got the heart despite North Carolina’s claim it was more “heartland” whereas the Commonwealth was just horse country. Oats, beloved by horses, are also a boon to hearts and oat production is to be concentrated in Goochland County.

Barbara Pinto, of ABC News, proved not to know beans when she forecast pomegranates for North Dakota instead of Florida. They’re billed as the lymphoma-fighting, diabetes-busting “seedy apple.”

Latter-day campaigns gave Utah the gall bladder, for which it will supply stones.

Alaska gets the appendix.

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One thought on “State Organs

  1. I believe this should be submitted to a gathering of governors, under the watchful eye of the Gov. of NY. Ilinois could be the protein state, producing prodigious amounts of hair used to cover up….well, everything.
    Beyond hilarious. What will FL claim? Shark fin soup in Japan….CA will have to label itself in the pot.

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